It appears that at this point I’m posting about my grieving process, not the writing process. I really do have thoughts about the latter, how I’ve refined it over the past few years and novels. While on the one hand, it’s *my* process, no one else’s, and so I’m not sure of the benefit of talking about it, on the other hand, I’m always interested in other people’s process, so I hope it might be of interest to someone.
I went for a hike this afternoon, over the eastern ridge, trying to clear my head. Some people have done some pretty sucky things lately, so instead of calming down, I found I just kept getting angrier and angrier. Figured I’d reached the anger stage of the grieving process, knew I wasn’t getting mad at the correct person, didn’t care.
I was stomping along at the top of this hill when a fox ran by, below me, in the wash. Absolutely beautiful creature, golden red fur, full tail streaming behind her. She passed maybe 20 feet from where I was walking.
I headed down the hill to the wash, walked along it for a short while, then climbed out to the other side, to this flat clear area, where I stopped and went through my Tai Chi form.
One of the things that the school I study emphasises is to only use the necessary force. You are only pushing through air (or in my case, wind.) It isn’t necessary to force through anything. The foot moves the hand. The energy spirals up and down, through my body, from the earth. I can stand without clenching my shoulders, gritting my teeth, fisting my hands.
When I finished, I found I could smile again. Think it’s probably the first time since the weekend. I feel like I let go of something – though maybe all I released was the anger.
I still have this hard lump weighing my chest down. It doesn’t feel any lighter. But I don’t have to push my way through this. I can stop trying to direct my grief, just let it happen, just let it flow.
I’m running water for a lovely hot bubble bath while I’m typing this. After I post this I’m going to pour myself a large glass of red wine, then sit and soak for a while. I don’t think I can say something as sweeping as “life is good.” I hurt too much still. I’m not sure I’m even that much better. But I have more faith that I can get better, which is a start.
::hugs::
“When I finished, I found I could smile again.”
I have also found using my practice to work through grief (and other emotional states) to be very useful. I think it’s something about *moving*.
Z
P.S.: I am getting, here, that you were closer to her than I’d originally gleaned. I appreciate your loss more, now.
Re: “When I finished, I found I could smile again.”
I go through cycles, some weeks doing Tai Chi every day without fail, other weeks, only managing once or twice a week. Right now, I’m thinking that I need to do it every day, if for no other reason, than to help me remember to move and breathe.
I am so glad you could smile again.
I find myself remembering her as I knew her years ago, and most of those memories feature her laughing. I’d like to keep those as the primary memories. They’re good ones. But I’m finding there’s more anger in me for me to get through than I’d realized.
BTW, it’s so good to see you!
Katie
It’s good to see you as well! Good to be here.
“When I finished, I found I could smile again.”
I have also found using my practice to work through grief (and other emotional states) to be very useful. I think it’s something about *moving*.
Z
P.S.: I am getting, here, that you were closer to her than I’d originally gleaned. I appreciate your loss more, now.
Re: “When I finished, I found I could smile again.”
I go through cycles, some weeks doing Tai Chi every day without fail, other weeks, only managing once or twice a week. Right now, I’m thinking that I need to do it every day, if for no other reason, than to help me remember to move and breathe.
I’ve been kept busy enough that my grieving has been transmuted into work. I suspect this will catch up with me sometime in the next couple days.
—L.
Will be around if you need another person to talk with/vent, etc.
I am so glad you could smile again.
I find myself remembering her as I knew her years ago, and most of those memories feature her laughing. I’d like to keep those as the primary memories. They’re good ones. But I’m finding there’s more anger in me for me to get through than I’d realized.
BTW, it’s so good to see you!
Katie
It’s good to see you as well! Good to be here.
I’ve been kept busy enough that my grieving has been transmuted into work. I suspect this will catch up with me sometime in the next couple days.
—L.
Will be around if you need another person to talk with/vent, etc.