I meant to post this yesterday, but I lost my internet connection in the afternoon and didn’t get it back until late evening, just before I went to bed.
I am not a survivor of sexual violence. The main reason for this is because my attacker was an idiot. When he tried dragging me into a parked car, he positioned himself wrong, and I was able to slam the door against his leg, so he let me go. I was 14 or 15 at the time.
My first husband was definitely emotionally abusive. I don’t like to talk about it. Not out of shame, but because it’s no one’s business but my own. I’ve dealt with it (therapy), am dealing with it, and will probably continue dealing with it the rest of my life.
Thinking about my friends, I believe the statistic for sexual violence among them is probably 3 out of 4, not 1 out of 4. They’re strong women, who have not just survived, but thrived. I’m proud to call them my friends, saddened by what has happened to them, happy that they’re still alive.
How do we break this curse of violence? I don’t know. But I do wish that all the survivors could suddenly be seen one day, so that people would realized just how pervasive this plague is.
No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.
Point of information
I grew up in Chicago, and before I was 12 I had seen two flashers, three times. It embarrassed me, and enlightened me. In later years in recounting the details of the flasher incidences in an interview, I was firmly told these incidences were sexual abuse and were added to the count for someone’s thesis about women who were sexually abused at some point in their lives. I was unhappy about that. The incidences were not violent and because in both cases I was on public transportation, I was not in immediate danger for escalation. Hense, I continue to be suspicious of the 3 out of 4 count when I hear it, for 3 out of 4 is the count on that paper, too. I hope you don’t think for a moment that this information trivializes violence, sexual or otherwise. But I thought it was worth illuminating why sometimes people (like me) don’t believe that it’s as pervasive as 3 out of 4. Frankly, though, even 1 out of 10 women being abused is much too high for me to feel complacent about it.
Re: Point of information
I understand why you might not accept the 3 out of 4 statistic, given those definitions. However, when I say 3 out of 4, I mean 3 out of 4 of my friends who I know have been raped or molested by a family member. Not flashed, groped, etc., but have had real violence done to them.
And yes, even 1 out of 10 people being abused is much too high.
Point of information
I grew up in Chicago, and before I was 12 I had seen two flashers, three times. It embarrassed me, and enlightened me. In later years in recounting the details of the flasher incidences in an interview, I was firmly told these incidences were sexual abuse and were added to the count for someone’s thesis about women who were sexually abused at some point in their lives. I was unhappy about that. The incidences were not violent and because in both cases I was on public transportation, I was not in immediate danger for escalation. Hense, I continue to be suspicious of the 3 out of 4 count when I hear it, for 3 out of 4 is the count on that paper, too. I hope you don’t think for a moment that this information trivializes violence, sexual or otherwise. But I thought it was worth illuminating why sometimes people (like me) don’t believe that it’s as pervasive as 3 out of 4. Frankly, though, even 1 out of 10 women being abused is much too high for me to feel complacent about it.
Re: Point of information
I understand why you might not accept the 3 out of 4 statistic, given those definitions. However, when I say 3 out of 4, I mean 3 out of 4 of my friends who I know have been raped or molested by a family member. Not flashed, groped, etc., but have had real violence done to them.
And yes, even 1 out of 10 people being abused is much too high.
The fact that we can talk about it now is a wonderful thing. The fact that we realize that there is something wrong, that must change I feel is a sign of budding strength. I find it sad that in decades (and beyond) passed, and even in cultures that are still alive today sexual violence and violation is considered to be the norm and thus often not thought of as a worthwhile matter of duscussion.
I do not know if I have been sexually violated, however I do know that I have survived emotional abuse. As a femininst, I like to believe that the answer lies somewhere in education and realization of internal strength and equality.
Specifically, what do we do? I don’t know. I just have to believe that somewhere along the line we’re doing something right because people like you and the poster of the origional message are doing something about it by meeting it head on with awareness. All of us who feel for this issue might do well to lend ourselves to the cause in both large ways, or the simplest ways at all. An open ear, a gentle touch on someone’s arm, another voice speaking a similiar story to theirs — all of these things can completely change a person’s world if they thought they were alone. It’s the formation and enactment of empathy. For an extremely long time, I have insisted that it is one of humanity’s greatest strengths (however unfortunately overlooked).
I apologize, I’m literally nodding off because I took something to help me sleep a few minutes ago. I did, however I feel like this message diserved some sort of response. I aahhhh… hope this was coherant.
Be well.
PJ
This was coherent – thanks for your words.
One of the replies I heard this week in response to this meme was great – words of advice, what to do, if someone who was abused comes out to you about it.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/zortified/523096.html
Standing up and not being silent I think is so important. Which is why I posted about it – though I try not to post too many personal things in this LJ.
The fact that we can talk about it now is a wonderful thing. The fact that we realize that there is something wrong, that must change I feel is a sign of budding strength. I find it sad that in decades (and beyond) passed, and even in cultures that are still alive today sexual violence and violation is considered to be the norm and thus often not thought of as a worthwhile matter of duscussion.
I do not know if I have been sexually violated, however I do know that I have survived emotional abuse. As a femininst, I like to believe that the answer lies somewhere in education and realization of internal strength and equality.
Specifically, what do we do? I don’t know. I just have to believe that somewhere along the line we’re doing something right because people like you and the poster of the origional message are doing something about it by meeting it head on with awareness. All of us who feel for this issue might do well to lend ourselves to the cause in both large ways, or the simplest ways at all. An open ear, a gentle touch on someone’s arm, another voice speaking a similiar story to theirs — all of these things can completely change a person’s world if they thought they were alone. It’s the formation and enactment of empathy. For an extremely long time, I have insisted that it is one of humanity’s greatest strengths (however unfortunately overlooked).
I apologize, I’m literally nodding off because I took something to help me sleep a few minutes ago. I did, however I feel like this message diserved some sort of response. I aahhhh… hope this was coherant.
Be well.
PJ
This was coherent – thanks for your words.
One of the replies I heard this week in response to this meme was great – words of advice, what to do, if someone who was abused comes out to you about it.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/zortified/523096.html
Standing up and not being silent I think is so important. Which is why I posted about it – though I try not to post too many personal things in this LJ.
Thanks for this
Hi, Leah –
I felt moved by your willingness to post about this issue and just wanted to thank you for it. As a Southerner, I’ve found that people of my region seem even more close-mouthed (and -minded) about this issue than other regions I’ve encountered. There’s a great bumper sticker I saw once–“Your silence will not protect you.” I think that’s truer now than it ever has been.
I now have my own LJ–come visit sometime. 🙂
Best,
Tiffany
Re: Thanks for this
Hey Tiffany! Welcome to the wonderful land of blogs and blogging! You’ll notice I don’t tend to comment here a lot – I lurk a great deal, but I rarely post.
Silence=death was a phrase that came out of WWII, and the concentration camps. And they’re right, it won’t ever protect you.
Take care –
Thanks for this
Hi, Leah –
I felt moved by your willingness to post about this issue and just wanted to thank you for it. As a Southerner, I’ve found that people of my region seem even more close-mouthed (and -minded) about this issue than other regions I’ve encountered. There’s a great bumper sticker I saw once–“Your silence will not protect you.” I think that’s truer now than it ever has been.
I now have my own LJ–come visit sometime. 🙂
Best,
Tiffany
Re: Thanks for this
Hey Tiffany! Welcome to the wonderful land of blogs and blogging! You’ll notice I don’t tend to comment here a lot – I lurk a great deal, but I rarely post.
Silence=death was a phrase that came out of WWII, and the concentration camps. And they’re right, it won’t ever protect you.
Take care –