Essay – Change, The Only Constant

As I grow older (not about to claim that I’m wiser) I keep coming back to the idea that change is the only constant.

I know, I know. Sounds like a fucking cliché. (And I’m going to apologize in advance for my language. I’m in the middle of writing the next Hell Hound book and the main character uses the word “fuck” like a coma. Because I’ve fallen so far into this character, my own language had devolved. Or evolved. Something.)

However, as I was explaining to my husband the other day, my writing process has changed. Back in 2022, my brain broke and I was having a lot of difficulty writing. That entire “what happens next” gear disappeared.

While I used to regularly write books completely into darkness, I don’t think I can do that any longer. (Now, watch. Because I’ve said this out loud, in public, writer brain is going to come back with an “I’ll show you” attitude and the next thing I write will be without a fucking clue. I’ve had books like that. Usually, I think about a book before I fall asleep, planning out the next section. There have been books, though, that writer brain adamantly rejects my attempts to follow this normal procedure.)

I knew before this that my novel/writing “process” is really just a set of behaviors that changes for every single project. I thought I had my writing process set when I finished book number ten. I was wrong. I’m in book number seventy-three right now, and I feel as though my writing process is going through another big shift.

Other things change as well.

There’s the physical. I’m older. Used to be that I had high tolerances for things and would still be able to function at a good level. My tolerances have grown much more narrow.

For example, sleep. I’ve never had a great relationship with sleep. I also used to thrive on just six hours per night. (I got SO MUCH DONE in those days.) Now, if I miss my eight hours, I’m toast. Crispy fried. Having consecutive days without enough sleep? I’m so pale I look as though I’m sick and I get dark circles under my eyes. (Happened recently. Making plans so it won’t happen again.)

I do keep adjusting my sleep routine. I’m unhappy that I’ve had to do it, mainly because nothing has ever worked over the long term. However, I finally feel as though I’m getting some good, consistent results from the changes I’ve made.

I’ve lowered my light consumption at night. Starting at 7 PM, the lights go down low. I’ve also stopped all screens by 8 PM. Then, in the morning, I sit under the plant grow lights, so while I’m not necessarily getting sunlight equivalents of light, I’m still getting a lot more light in the mornings than I was.

This change has made it easier for me to fall back asleep when I wake up in the middle of the night. Not every time, and not every night. However, instead of a bad night every other night, I’m now having bad nights every second or third day.

It’s also made a tremendous difference on how awake I feel in the mornings.

My husband remembers when I used to wake up and be awake. It’s only been the last few years that I’ve been groggy when I awaken.

Now that I’ve changed my light consumption, I’m really waking up in the mornings again. It’s a lovely change for the better.

There are other physical changes as well.

I’m still pretty strong, physically. Not as strong as I once was, that’s for certain. I don’t know what a strength test of my hands would show at this point. Probably really weak. When I was first tested back in 2019, I had a score of 88 psi for grip strength. In addition, my left and right hands tested exactly the same. They’re not there now. Don’t know if they ever will be again. But I’m digging out my hand grippers and am going to start using those again.

One of the tests I always use is for myself is whether or not I can sit down and stand back up without using my hands. Sometime last year I lost that ability. I’ve been working on it diligently all month. Realized this morning that it’s mostly back. I’m not as stable as I’d like to be when I rise. I’ll keep working on it though.

It will take time to build my endurance back up. However, I’m willing to spend the time this year, going to the gym, to get myself back into shape.

And so yes, while things always change, entropy and like that, I am lucky (and rich enough) that I have the time to make adjustments and stay healthy.

What’s changed for you recently? What changes are you making?