Making Adjustments

This is somewhere between an essay and a blog update. It’s the best I could manage this morning.

As you may or may not know, my cat died on November 30th, one week ago. She was my constant companion for 17.5 years. I adopted her in 2006. Blaze didn’t come along until 2013, so for many years, it was just me and her.

For such a little cat, she left a huge gaping hole behind. And we are making adjustments.

Because both Blaze and I work from home, there’s no external clock or schedule. The only clock we had was the kitty.

First thing I did when I got up in the mornings was to feed her (when she was over here at TH2). Often, she demanded pets before she’d eat.

Only after she was eating would I move on to the rest of my day. Now, I’m making adjustments, figuring out what my morning routine looks like without a kitty.

Ditto in the evening. We called it “The Most Important Time Of The Day,” i.e., the time when we fed the kitty, usually around 4:30. We generally didn’t eat dinner until after she did.

Now, we are unmoored, trying to figure out our own timing and schedule.

I have many, many habits that I adopted because of Kiera. For example, whenever I get up from my couch, I always straighten out the blanket so it will be comfortable in case the cat wanted to jump up there. Because it’s wintertime, I’m knitting again. Whenever I finish for the evening, or even if I’m going to take a break, I immediately put the project away in a bag. If I left it out, a certain kitty would be sure to find it, decide that it was improperly furred, and then proceed to roll around on it.

One of the bigger changes has been going back to my production desk. I’d stopped sitting at my desk because I had a cat who insisted on me providing me a lap for her in the afternoons. (We had an arrangement. I got to sit at my writing desk in the mornings and she didn’t bother me much. In the afternoons and evenings, though, she got a lap.) That’s been a good change for me. I like sitting at a desk again.

Emotionally, I’m still adjusting as well. The grief has lightened over the week. I’m still sad. I think that’s going to take a very long time to diminish. However, the grief isn’t as heavy as it was.

I feel as though my emotions are all just below the surface. If I watch something or read anything that gives me the feels, I’m likely to start crying. I still feel not bruised, but abrased, the surface of my soul scoured with grief. This will take some time to heal.

Grief makes me tired. (I also recently got my winter vaccinations, so I’m sure that’s playing a part as well.) At first, I could do one thing, then I had to rest and recover. Then I started doing more. I find I still have very little stamina. That will hopefully return sooner rather than later.

Though I never wanted Kiera to go, she did kind of pick a good time, just before the Christmas holidays. I generally put up the Christmas tree the first weekend in December. This meant rearranging the living room in the main house.

We don’t have to make immediate changes to our living spaces. Probably will leave everything just as it is for the month of December.

However, we may move to a “new normal” come January, when I put the tree away. Rearrange things for ourselves, because we are now just two, and not three.

As I said, we’re still making adjustments. I frequently am reminded that there’s no kitty. Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I felt lonely over in TH2. (It does happen, but rarely.) Normally, I’d have a kitty in my lap, purring or sleeping.

Life goes on. And so are we.