For my brother, this week was a turning point for him, and his pain diminished significantly. While I would like for this to be my case as well, I suspect that he and I are on very different recovery schedules when it comes to the pain. I have more functionality than he does, but I suspect that I also have a lot more pain.

This past week I had a few bad days again. Was partially my fault. I got a massage on Wednesday and she worked closer to the knee than she ever has before. That turned out to be a SERIOUS mistake, as I was in so much pain for the next two days I ended up taking an oxycodone pill at 9 AM the day after Thanksgiving. I just needed to get out of pain for a while.

I understand that this is where addiction starts, that craving to be out of pain. Just for a short while. I wasn’t at the point where I’d do anything to get out of pain, the pain wasn’t that severe. It was just constant and aggravating enough that I couldn’t ignore it. Couldn’t work. According to my sweetie, my eyes were starting to glaze over.

I’m really good at ignoring pain. This may or may not be working in my favor at this point. It means I don’t remember or even realize I’m in pain until it’s gone on for quite some time and I’m no longer functioning. I just keep going until I stop.

This morning, the entire knee is sore to the touch and there isn’t a comfortable position for me to sit in. This afternoon, I have PT. I will end up taking an oxycodone after that, because I will be in so much pain again. Hopefully, I’ll just have to take the one tonight and by tomorrow I’ll be in much better shape.

There are times when I’m pain free. They are fleeting, however. An hour here or there. Maybe as much as a morning or an afternoon. But there has yet to be an entire day that’s pain free.

I averaged 1000 words a day last week. I’d been planning a mini writing marathon over Thanksgiving. Didn’t happen. I need to give myself more grace and breathing room, I’m afraid. My brain is just not back all the way yet. And it honestly may be months before it does come back.

And yes, there’s that fear that it won’t come back. I do see glimpses of it now and again, so the fear is pretty minor at this point. Talk to me again in six months if I’m still not back. Fear will probably be much greater at that point.

I also averaged about 5000 steps a day. I neither gained nor lost weight, which I take as a win as it was Thanksgiving and there was a lot of food. I made myself a chia seed pumpkin pie pudding that was SO GOOD. It tasted just like pumpkin pie. Planning on making more of it.

And I guess that’s it. I’m going back to trying to write at least 250 words of fiction every day. That isn’t enough to achieve any sort of ground effect. It will be like starting fresh every day. But I’ll at least feel better if I’m making the effort and mostly succeeding.

What are you planning on starting small with this new year? All those baby steps add up. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. (^_^)