The Past Few Days

I’d written a much longer blog post about the last few days, adding to it every day. But it’s too long and unwieldy. So instead, I’m writing a different post and summarizing more.

The last few days – Wednesday through Saturday – were ROUGH. No getting around that. But I finally woke up and felt better on Sunday, and today, Monday, I feel fine. Good, even.

What happened?

Wednesday turned out to be that “2-3 days before my period” kind of day. I had a headache, brain fog, and cramps. Just felt lousy. I was very inflamed as well. My physical therapist said my fingers looked like sausages. I couldn’t even make a fist with my good hand.

Thursday, in many ways, was the worst of the days. I woke up with anxiety. I don’t normally get anxiety like that. The problem was that I had to pack for Rose City Comic Con (RCCC) that morning. I was totally panicking about what I had to do before we go.

Only after about 1.5 hours did it finally dawn on me that this wasn’t normal. I could do everything. I had plenty of time. There was no reason to panic. It was just my stupid hormones.

I made myself stop and meditate for a couple minutes. That was when I realized I couldn’t take a deep breath. I had a hard, heavy, fist-sized ball pressing against the center of my chest, weighing it down. (Just writing about it makes me feel anxious again. Stupid hormones.)

Got packed and we left (early even!) and we’d started driving. I’d taken hormones just before we’d left, in the hopes that they would help.

Nope.

When the hormones hit, about 20 minutes later, I had another serious spike of panic.

Stupid hormones.

I concentrated on taking deep breaths all day, trying to calm myself. I felt the fist-sized ball of anxiety melt from a fist down to the size of a walnut, then finally down to the size of an almond. Still there, all day long. Anytime something bad happened I felt another surge of anxiety. I separated myself from the anxiety as best I could, trying to stay “sane” as it were. (I’ve long defined insanity as one’s reactions not being in synch with the external stimulus.)

Thursday evening, I realized that I was having some of the side effects of a migraine without the migraine pain. Light had grown stabby and my ears were ringing.

Fuck.

Then I had a few hours of that weird almost-migraine pain. I’d be thinking, “Okay, the migraine is starting now.” Only to have the pain slide off, as if it couldn’t get a grip.

I was hopeful that would be the worst of it, but no. Woke up Friday morning with not only a migraine, but my period has started.

Yay go me?

Fortunately, the migraine was pretty mild, and was mostly over by the time I had to be on the floor at RCCC. My period was one of the heaviest I’ve ever had. We ended up walking up to the Walgreens just a few blocks away to get me more tampons, as well as chocolate. (I just need to always pack chocolate at this point.)

Honestly, the rest of Friday was pretty much a blur for me. I do remember feeling so much better by the end of the night. Not quite 100%, but getting there.

However, I didn’t sleep well Friday night. The anxiety returned, and I slept tense. So tense, that I woke up Saturday morning with my jaw sore from how hard I’d been clenching it and a massive headache.

I’m pretty good at self-care, though. I know what I need to do in order to get myself feeling better. So again, by the end of the day Saturday, I felt much better.

Finally, Sunday, I woke up feeling *good*. Normal. I try to never take the normal days for granted.

I enjoyed the con much more on Sunday, felt like I could participate and see things instead of pushing through.

Now today, Monday, is another good day.

I wrote about 700 words of fiction Sunday morning. I’m going to try for about the same this morning. It’s been a slow roll to get to this point. I realize just how lucky I am that I can take the time this morning to get to here.

I’m in the tiny house this morning. It’s quite and peaceful and most importantly, there’s no one here but me. (And the kitty, but she doesn’t count.) My absolutely fantastically wonderful husband understands that I needed solitude after being at a con for three days.

We’re going to spend the next couple of days recovering. Need to run into town at some point today to buy groceries. But that’s about it. We’re hibernating for a while, as we’re both peopled-out, as it were.

I had a good time at RCCC despite my stupid hormones. Don’t know yet if I’ll do it again next year. That’s a decision for another day.

But for now – time for more words. My words.

Hope your week has started off well.

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