Yesterday’s prompt was “Write about what you’ll miss when you die.” Not what you’ll regret, but what you’ll miss.
I started the writing prompt with writing the last scene of the story of Alice and Tom. The story ended emotionally where I wanted it to end, though the words were different than what I’d envisioned when I started the story. I think the ending that showed up this morning is much better, much more chilling and true. I had some time left, so I wrote out a bunch of things that I’d miss.
Today’s prompt was “Write about your father’s hands.” As I’d seen the prompt the night before, I thought it was kind of cheating for me to do that prompt. So I paged through the earlier part of the book and found the prompt, “She forgets what she wants”. What I wrote was just meh, though I did get a couple of nice images. It didn’t hold me, though, so I did do a bit about my father’s hands — a nice piece of processing.
Before I started the prompt yesterday, I went back and started re-reading the weekly essay about deep writing. I stopped, though, at the end of the first paragraph and had a good long think about this:
“So it is when you hold yourself back from a subject that has deeper meaning for you. You don’t trust yourself, so you don’t trust your writing.”
Maybe it’s just a question of semantics, but trust, for me, really isn’t the issue. It’s much more about fear. I trust myself. I trust my writing. I have self-confidence in my ability to sit my butt in the chair and generate words.
But I fear those deep places, those dark places, inside me. Because most of what’s inside me is dark. Partly this fear is a fear of not being able to leave, of being drenched in the poison of my soul and never being able to wash it off. Partly it’s the fear of change, both of not being able to finish the change, of being stuck forever in chaos and pain at the threshold, as well as fear of who and what I’ll be once I go through the cleansing, form-changing fire.
As for deep — the book defines deep as that emotional connection. It’s a very basic concept — the difference between telling the facts of a situation versus writing with emotion about a situation. But I haven’t been connecting emotionally with much of anything recently. There are many reasons for this, some to do with personal issues, some to do with health issues, and a lot to do with fear (see above.)
Of course, once I figured out that it was fear, that just pushed me forward. Because I’m like that. *G*
Today’s writing was okay — I wasn’t really engaged for a few reasons. I’m looking forward to the weekend, to taking the time to connect, the time to write.
Also — GIP — an icon I made from a picture I took with my phone while walking yesterday afternoon.